UNCPRELOAD = Full. Contents? That's a secret.

Dear Elliott,

You haven't backed me up since ... well, ever. You've never backed me up, yet I ask you every other day if you'd like to do so now. I know that you've been backing up your documents folder to your Gmail (that filthy digital strumpet with its whore-ish 7.397 gigs of free storage space) and I don't like it. You should be backing up all the wonderful program files that go along with the cornicopia of free crap that was graciously pre-loaded onto your computer - you know, the ones that really matter to you on a daily basis.

So I've come up with a solution to your recklessness; I've secretely backed up all your files myself. Remember that 95.7 gig hard drive you  never thought you'd fill? Done. I've filled it without ever telling you.

Want to know what it's filled with? I can't tell you; that's a secret. I know if you find them, you'll just delete them. So go ahead, you can open all the folders on UNC PRELOAD and look for yourself - there are plenty of folders alright, but there's almost nothing in them. Yet the hard drive is full!

You can thank me later... chump.

Your Loving Laptop,

Colonel T61p, Esq.

PS. I have gonorrhea. You should probably go get tested.